the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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