I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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