wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
