I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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