why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
