Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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