I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
