I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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