so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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