We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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