If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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