I want to stick my p in your. b.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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