The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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