We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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