Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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