Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
