mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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