Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I am one with the molecules
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
