On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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