Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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