Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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