she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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