Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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