True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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