I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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