remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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