Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
