My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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