Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
