So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
