yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
