I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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