You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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