i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
