After last night, I could never be a politician.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
