I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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