It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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