My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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