He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
