I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
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Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.