There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.