Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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