At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
