I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize