i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
