Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
