i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
