I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
