I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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