I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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