how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
