yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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