I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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