Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
