how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
