theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER