i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
