I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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