That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
