morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
