We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
